Friday, 11 July 2014

Marking Territory

There are many ways for animals to mark their territory. One of the common ways is urinating. Perhaps one of the reasons for marking their boundary is to assert dominance. Ross did it too.
I wouldn't have thought about it if I hadn't known that I had been "bullied". 

After a month that he moved in with me. He changed the interior design of the house totally without asking for my opinion. I wouldn't mind though because I was too busy with my part-time studies and my full-time job. As long he was happy with it, so was I. 

Neverthelss, there were some changes that I disagreed with him because I prefered it that way. The sofa should be put close to the wall with the telly in front of it and the telly had to be on a certain height. Maybe I still hadn't got over my ex. When I moved into the house, I tried to put things into positions as similar as possible to the old house I used to live with my ex in the city. Ross had no idea about it.

Ross insisted it and I thought to myself that I should just let him do what he liked because there was no point for me living in the past.

Asia was so hot that I had to sleep with an air-conditioner. Ever since he came, he wanted me to stop using it and sleep with the windows open. That might sound like a good idea that the whole house would become more ventilated. However, mosquitoes are always so fond of keeping me company. It led me sleepless nights. Since we were sleeping without an air-conditioner, he got rid of the thick duvet that me and my ex used together. I thought he put it in a box to keep it. To my surprise, I found it outside the bin and waiting for the collector to get it. He had been throwing away my stuff without my knowledge since then. I had no idea what else he had thrown away. 

As I read, one of the abusive behaviours an abuser would exihibit would be destroying belongings. He always gave me the reason that I like to collect rubbish in the house. However, I think things put in a store room would not bother him much though. Why did he like to interfere? I would imagine this is the "normal" controlling behaviour of an abuser. I also looked at the cycle of violence of domestic abuse. Nevertheless, I think it would not apply to the situation here because he hadn't hit me (yet). I do think they are relevant because one would lead to another. The cycle is:

Yes, he told me that I should not keep rubbish in the house - I troubled him for cleaning up my mess that I shouldn't have created. One would say to me, go and tell him "Nobody asked you to do that!" You wouldn't know what would happen had I said that to him. Well, if he was in a good mood, he would try to reason with my new arguments. Should I have more, he wouldn't mind to repeat the whole process of rationalisation. Yeah, then I would say to myself, I wonder if I were the one who was crazy.

To be continued...

Friday, 4 July 2014

The abused versus the bullied?

I still love my partner but recently a friend that I had chatted with told me that "You're being abused!"

I looked up on the internet and realised that I am being bullied (I tend not to use the serious word).

Beyond bewilderment, I am in a bullying relationship based on the signs above. The main reason I am writing this blog is to find a medium to express myself. Other than that, there is nothing I could do at the moment.

The net friend told me I am being treated like an Asian maid. I am sorry to negatively associate Asians being subservient to the Caucasians because I do not like it either. I was born in Asia and I was running my own language centre when I met my partner.

It was indeed the first time in my life knowing someone not through any gay dating sites. Our relationship did not even start if it was not because I was too upset that my ex left me for a women. Until now, I cannot deny that I still think about him sometimes. We had been together for 4 years and had been living together for 3 years. On the 4th year, he told me that he had to expand his business in China because the empire he had in my home country was not gaining any profit. Off he went and I was living alone. I wish I could have gone with him but I was stuck with my degree. I had to work and study at the same time. Not long after that he brought me the news that he was getting married and ironically his wife was the same age as me.

One of my friends introduced Ross, my partner to me when my ex was in China before he got married. Ross seemed like a gentle and sensible person and he always listened to my problems and we soon became close friends. I was devastated upon hearing the news that my ex wanted to leave me and Ross decided to move in and lived with me so that I could feel better. Perhaps a broken-hearted person could fall in love with someone else easily, it was so quick that I did not realise we were dating.

I was so in love with Ross that I always felt that I was so lucky to have found him. It was inevitable that I would compare my ex with him. Unlike my ex, he would leave me home and travel for his business trips for a month without even giving me a call. Due to the time difference, I had to stay awake in the middle of the night trying to call him so that I did not wake him up during his sleep. I do not think I was subservient to him. It was just about me caring about him and to be more considerate. Ross taught me a lot of things. He even helped me with my thesis and assignments. I felt like he was my life coach and I respected him a lot.

A few months later, I accidentally saw on his computer that he had a profile on a  gay dating site called My tears dropped instantly when I saw his naked pictures showing his face and genitals -  full frontal pictures. I decided to ask him why he had such a profile since we were together.

Jon: Ross, when I was using your computer, I saw that you had a profile with naked pictures. I wonder if you have forgotten to delete it.

Ross: What are you on about? Oh, I will delete it. 

A week later, I needed to use his computer but he was not around. This time, he put a password on it. I instantly smelt a rat and without hesitation,  my investigative nature told me to check if he had deleted the profile. The only way I could do so was make a account and did a profile search. I was right! He did not delete the account. I had to have the same conversation with him again:

Jon: Ross, did you remember the gay profile I was talking about? Did you do anything about it?

Ross: I don't think I have to do anything about it. I have the profile for so many years. It's a way for me to keep in touch with old friends. A lot of my friends are in different parts of the world.

Jon: But, you don't keep in touch with your friends by showing your cock to them. Are you dating others? 

Ross: (He raised up his voice) Stop being so possessive! (He pushed the stuff on the table beside him onto the floor). Let's break up!

I was taken aback and I literally jumped up from my seat. I cried. I stood up and went to another room and closed the door. The reason I was crying was mixed. In my head, I was thinking to myself "I was dumped again for the 8th time. What have I done wrong? Am I too ugly and unattractive? Don't I really have a good personality?"

We were not in speaking terms for a few days. Normally he would give me a peck on my head before he went for work, I noticed that he had not done that ever since we "broke up". Gay relationships was not that simple in my country, perhaps in most Asian countries. The place I was living in was also my language centre. Everyone knew who I was because it was not a big town. The fact that I was living with a white guy had made me become a "famous" teacher. Even if we broke up, he could not move out so easily because it was not easy for him to find a place to rent and everyone would gas about our relationship. I did not want it to affect my work and my social life.


Ross was making his sandwiches in the kitchen and I approached him from behind.

"How are you?" I asked politely as if he was a stranger to me.

Without any reply, he started to sob and he was breathing so heavily.

He turned around and said, "I missed you so much! The fact that I cannot give you a kiss before I go to work upsets me a lot."

I gave him a tight hug and I kissed on his neck.